The wages of Stupidity (And depression, self loathing mindset etc)
The Blind photographer, and I call myself that here to make google happy for the keyword selection, made himself that way. Maybe I should temper my honesty and authenticity here a bit but no. There is someone out there who needs what I have to say. I feel that allowing pride or fear of judgement from people who don’t matter would take away something take something from them. Something that perhaps I owe them as a response to the grace shown me. Hey. INFP. I both feel and see deeply.
Unfortunately we are still responsible for choices made, even choices made while mentally ill and in a very bad emotional place. I’m not going to elaborate too deeply on the years I hid from an unsatisfying, unfulfilling and inauthentic life at the bottom of a vodka bottle with a shortened lifetime supply of high calorie comfort food to consume at will.
The result of that was metabolic syndrome. The fat self-abuser trifecta of disorders guaranteed to take me off into pain-free silence or whatever came next. Hell wasn’t much of a threat, I was there already. I was in a place where I was very ill and I didn’t care if that illness killed me. In fact, I was hoping it would hurry up and get it over with. And no one saw. No one knew how badly I just wanted the pain, the loneliness, the despair… to just end.
I don’t place blame. Not on others, not on myself. The road to understanding runs right through the valley of “Everything Happens for a Reason” Blame? Not really a fun game to play, and no-one ever wins at it regardless of the outcome.
As an INFP Personality type my primary cognitive function is Introverted Feeling (Fi). What that means is my subjective view of the world is lensed through my emotions, my feelings. How I perceive something or someone, including myself, will be tightly wound in with how I feel about that. And for years those feelings fed me a skewed, dark vision of the world and myself enhanced by a “everyone is evil and bad, they are born that way and can’t help it” message on the religion front. It also fed me a false, deeply negative vision of self that I nurtured like it was a prized plant. In this mind state my cognitive stack was in full disarray and I felt incapable finding my way.
At some point I became so toxic up inside my head and spirit that my only out was ego suicide. I literally killed the person I was and with the help of true faith, resurrected to a new thing.
I’m talking about the death of ego. The sacrificial shredding of self until very little except the core components of personality and value set remain. Done in the hopes that like Christ risen from the grave, a new creature will step forth into the world and manifest new things in abundance.
I understand that everything happens for a reason. Not in any woo-woo predestination sense. The fact that I went through this and climbed out of that pit, gives me a story that might help someone at the bottom of a pit. Might give them enough hope to make the same climb to life I did. Might help them realize that they have what it takes to make it.
We give accolades and honors to the people who climb the high mountains of achievement. Hey. Some of us have made just as brutal, intense and hazardous of a climb just to reach level ground. Only to get judgement instead of praise when we get there. So I know you person who is there. I see you. And I love you.
I don't place blame. Not on others, not on myself. The road to understanding runs right through the valley of "Everything Happens for a Reason" Blame? Not a fun game to play, and no-one ever wins at it regardless of the outcome.
Of course people are people and for everyone inspired by my story will be someone judging me for it. Whatever. No-one can judge me any harsher than my prior self did. My own judgment wasn’t getting me anywhere. Neither will theirs hinder my roll. So feel free to judge. I don’t take it personally. Nichevo. The great Russian word/philosophy of “never mind, whatever” with a positive and lively rather than fatalistic spin to the end that I am…
The Legally Blind, Passably Okay Photographer and etc.
The general perception of the word blindness is “can’t see at all.” I follow this super-inspiring guy on YouTube, Pete Gustin, The Blind Surfer, who is blind as in can’t see it all.
When I look at that guy, I feel like a total fraud using the word blind. I can see SOMETHING. Anyway. I do meet the legal definition of “blind” So when I call myself the blind photographer. I’m entitled to it. My right eye is gone, it stares into the blackness of the abyss as it has preceded me in death. The other has one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel thanks to multiple surgeries and laser treatments for diabetic retinopathy.
These pictures below tell you the story without me adding anything further on how the world looks to me as I travel about photographing it. And I am grateful, not bitter, not sad, not regretful. Negative, regressive emotions and attitudes will never, I say NEVER carry a body forward into the light. Can’t happen. Won’t happen. Want a better life? Change your mind. First step.
In the noon and in the night, I make the Most of blurry sight
Okay, the following pictures are a blind guy trying to explain what the world looks like to a blind guy. So…. Grain of Salt. But it’s probably close enough for horseshoes and hand grenades.
Crowds Suck
Crowds always sorta sucked. I’m an introvert. Groups of people I don’t know already drain me. Want to know how they really REALLY suck? When you can’t read facial expressions. So, I am literally in a mob of faceless people.
Even not in crowds. I was walking down the rail trail once in Manchester Connecticut and said hi to a guy who immediately went off all the way on me. I literally thought I was going to be attacked, and went defensive. Had I been able to see the murderous rage on his face I would have stepped clear.
M means well in taking me to crowded places. And I go because comfort zones are to be shoved and kicked at. If you aren’t doing that, you aren’t growing. But it isn’t comfortable for a veteran who used to scan everything and everyone for potential threats to not be able to see and scan. Can’t even see the “Good guy with a gun” so prevalent down in Texas firearm until I am a few feet away. Huh, Actually I have a strategy for that to. Fat guy in a cowboy hat? Prolly is packing. Normal size guy hat or no? Generally don’t seem to see the need. Could be compensating for something I guess. I also don’t know what to say about a culture comprised of people so terrified of each other they need a death weapon to feel safe. If those people only knew that when I look at them? I see a tiny, small thing cowering inside a big façade. Waving it’s pop-pop toy about so that the world will think it’s dangerous. And it is, but it’s the unnecessary danger of a small scared thing killing an innocent person for ringing a fucking doorbell. Hey. Calling ’em like I see ’em Hate me or don’t.
How do you pull this all off?
With poise, grace, patience, equanimity and a really big smile and sometimes an angry bitch resting face. Attitude, technology and strategies. It’s starts with the attitude of understanding that I am not my circumstance. God gave me power inside to control what happens inside. What goes on inside me is my choice. No-one or thing else has agency over that. Once a body makes that decision. Everything is possible. As in I can do all things through Christ.
The blessings of the age
Technology. My phone screen, held close to my face gives me a clearer view of things than can be lensed. At night, it lights dark scene a little. With my photos on the PC I can almost get a sense of what it would have looked like when I had full use of my eyes. So if I need to see something clearer or lighten a dark scene I just look through my phone.
On the PC I have a screen magnifier and a bigger monitor because the laptop screen is too hard to work from. I can, but its difficult and uncomfortable.
For walking I have several sticks including a legit blind stick. Someday? Maybe I’ll get myself a dog to take me on walks.
Photography
Technology. I am at the absolute mercy of autofocus and software tools. I have three main cameras ordered by frequency of use.
- Google Pixel 6 – Its my easiest camera, takes great pictures, helps me see the world, fits in my pocket.
- Panasonic Lumix – Okay Point-and-shoot. 60x zoom, so I use it whenever we go somewhere sorta special and I am not going to be in a crowd.
- Nikon D5300 – Haven’t used it much recently. Think I’ll rectify that soon.
My advantage is that I know how to frame a shot. Blurry or not I know how to frame. wait for autofocus to work its magic and push the button.
Added to that, M says I have a knack. Its a running joke how we can be standing right next to each other taking the same photo from the same place with the same lighting and the blind guy’s photo will be great and hers crap. No ide why. Is funny though.
At the end of tbe day
At the end of the day it isn’t about being blind or a photographer… its about pushing the boundaries, about not sitting down and accepting an unsatisfactory circumstance. Its about finding a way or making one.
To many people unnecessarily accept limitations and give up. Fuck That. Every day is a choice. To sit down and cry or stand up and own it and what it brings. What’s holding you back? Or, more importantly… what the fuck are you going to do about it?
You can be present and powerful, letting your circumstance unfuck and unfold you. Or, you can wallow in regret over the past and anxiety over the future. Pick one. Then live with your choice.
Me? I’m gonna go take a picture… Love, Blessings and cheer to all of you.
